Three Years That Somehow Felt Like Two

about school, ambition, taking a different path, and having no idea what im actually looking for

A while ago, I listened to “Melting” by Kali Uchis again.

And idk why, but suddenly I started thinking about my time in vocational high school.

Three years.

But when I really think about it, it didnt feel like three years at all.

It felt like two.

Maybe even less.

Everything went so fast that it kinda doesnt feel real anymore.

In the first year, everything felt new. I was trying to adapt, understand the environment, meet new people, and take literally every opportunity I could find.

At that time, I had a pretty clear image of who I wanted to become.

I wanted to win competitions.

I wanted to achieve something.

I wanted to prove that choosing vocational school wasnt a random decision.

I wanted to show myself that I could actually do things.

And somehow, some of the things I used to only imagine actually happened.

I won competitions.

I got opportunities.

I achieved some of the goals I had written inside my head.

Then the second year came.

And you know how second-year students act.

You start feeling like you know everything.

You already understand the school system, you know the teachers, you know how things work, and suddenly you act like youre already a senior or something.

Like yeah bro, we get it, youve survived one year.

Then suddenly, without even realizing it, youre already in your final year.

And the final year felt completely different.

School wasnt really about school anymore.

It wasnt just about studying, assignments, exams, or sitting inside a classroom.

It became about what happens after.

Career.

University.

Tests.

Applications.

Internships.

The future.

People kept asking questions like, “What are you gonna do after graduation?”

And honestly, I was asking myself the exact same thing.

What am I actually chasing?

taking a different path sounds cool until youre actually doing it

After graduation, a lot of my friends took a more normal and understandable path.

They entered university.

They joined orientation.

They met new friends.

They started classes.

They continued their life through a path that already had a clear structure.

Meanwhile, I decided to take a different one.

I continued my internship longer.

I chose the community college route with the hope of continuing my education in the US.

And yes, I knew this path would be different.

I kinda chose it because a predictable life felt boring to me.

Enter university.

Study for a few years.

Graduate.

Find a job.

Theres nothing wrong with that path, obviously.

But everytime I imagined myself doing it, I kept thinking:

Okay, and then what?

Lets say I get into a good university in Indonesia.

Lets say I get into ITS.

Or ITB.

Or maybe SBM.

I probably could.

But what would I actually do after getting there?

Thats the part I couldnt answer.

The problem wasnt really about whether I could get accepted or not.

The real problem was that I didnt know what I wanted from it.

I didnt wanna chase a target just because other people thought it was impressive.

I had already spent my vocational school years chasing achievements.

Competitions.

Projects.

Opportunities.

Recognition.

So why would I go to university just to chase the same feeling again?

What was the next thing?

What was the bigger target?

And did I even want it?

maybe im ambitious. maybe im just arrogant lol

Sometimes I question myself.

Do I actually want a bigger challenge?

Or am I just being arrogant?

Theres a part of me that believes I can achieve things that maybe not everyone can achieve.

During vocational school, I proved to myself that I could do some difficult things.

So sometimes I think:

If I already know I can achieve this, why should I aim for something ordinary?

That thought gives me confidence.

But at the same time, it scares me.

Because what if im not actually being ambitious?

What if im just underestimating other people?

What if I look at certain universities, jobs, or achievements and think they mean nothing only because I believe I could get them too?

Sometimes I see people from top universities or big companies, and I expect them to be extremely smart or impressive.

Then I hear them talk and im like…

Wait.

Thats it?

Sometimes they dont really know as much as they act like they do.

Sometimes they show off their school, their company, their title, or their background like its supposed to automatically make everything they say meaningful.

But it doesnt.

A big name doesnt automatically mean a big mind.

A prestigious label doesnt automatically make someone interesting.

But then I realized something kinda uncomfortable.

Maybe I need to ask myself the same question.

What if im also too obsessed with looking different?

What if im so focused on taking a “special” path that I forget to ask whether the path actually means anything to me?

Being different doesnt automatically mean being better.

And choosing a harder path doesnt automatically make you smarter.

Sometimes a harder path is just… harder.

Thats it.

maybe i needed this weird pause

Before entering vocational school, I had a clear goal.

I imagined myself winning competitions.

I imagined myself building a strong profile.

I imagined doing A, B, C, D, E, F, and G, then somehow ending up at a university abroad.

I thought life would work like that.

Do the steps correctly, then receive the result.

But it didnt happen exactly like I expected.

I didnt directly enter a university in the US.

Instead, I ended up taking another route first.

And maybe I actually needed that.

Maybe God didnt give me the destination immediately because I still needed time to question myself.

What do I actually want?

Why do I want it?

Do I really want to be there?

Or do I just want to prove that I can get there?

Honestly, I still dont have a detailed answer.

And maybe thats fine.

For the past three years, I feel like many things in my life became easier somehow.

Opportunities came.

Some goals were achieved.

Some doors opened.

But now I have no idea what will happen when I actually continue my life in the US.

Will it be harder than I expected?

Will it somehow be easier?

Will I regret it?

Will I finally understand why I chose this path?

Idk.

Im still trying to find out.

But the steps have already been taken.

Ive made the decision.

Ive tried.

Ive planned.

Ive prayed.

And hopefully, somewhere inside this whole journey, I will finally find what im actually looking for.

i dont even know what “more successful” means anymore

Taking a different path makes me compare myself to my friends a lot.

Sometimes I wonder if I can become more successful than them.

But then again, what does “more successful” even mean?

Studying abroad?

Working at a big company?

Making more money?

Having more achievements?

Getting a title people respect?

Or finally finding something you genuinely care about?

I dont know.

Maybe ive been asking the wrong question.

Maybe life isnt about proving that I can achieve something difficult.

Just because I can achieve a target doesnt mean the target deserves my time.

I could enter a great university and still feel empty after getting there.

I could move to another country and still feel lost.

I could choose the most unique path possible and still have no idea who I am.

A different path gives me uncertainty.

And tbh, uncertainty is scary.

But maybe it also gives me space.

Space to explore.

Space to fail.

Space to change my mind.

Space to understand myself without using someone elses life as the answer key.

Im still scared.

I still compare myself to other people.

I still wonder whether I made the right decision.

I still dont know where this path will take me.

But maybe I dont need every answer rn.

Maybe I just need enough courage to take the next step.

Not to prove that my path is better.

Not to prove that im smarter.

Not to prove that I can be more successful than everyone else.

But to figure out what success actually means to me.

And maybe thats the whole point of taking a different path.

Not knowing where it goes.

But choosing to walk anyway.